Familial Expectations
I’m a daughter of East Asian immigrants. My loyalty to my family runs deep.
But if I’m honest, I’ve used them as an excuse to keep myself needlessly small.
And I’m not the only one.
It's easy to fall prey to familial expectations.
We use words like:
Loyalty
Protection
Responsibility
To showcase fierce love in service of relationship.
All of these qualities are admirable. But if we’re honest, they can also be used as excuses.
We use socially acceptable niceties to avoid stepping into the fullest versions of ourselves.
We say things like,
"My family is conservative, so I can't take risks."
"My kids need me, so I can't pursue my passion.”
“My wife’s the breadwinner, so her career takes first dibs.”
While these may be true, let’s be honest about how we use others to avoid the discomfort of growth.
Shrinking to not rock the boat
Being an over-responsible martyr
Hiding behind obligations to avoid bold decisions
Too often, we use the excuse of community to sacrifice our individuality.
Conformity becomes a function of laziness and fear.
The result: We dim our light to fit in.
Here’s what we forget:
Life is a both/and.
Community is a means to support and enhance individual growth.
The strength of a community is based on the unique contributions of each member.
You playing small serves no one. Not even your family.
Here’s where we can grow:
Close relationships are in service of learning life lessons.
They introduce default behaviors designed to grow and shape you.
Decide what patterns, you decide to take forward and what patterns no longer serve.
Ask yourself:
“What am I afraid of”
"What am I avoiding?”
“If my greatest dream came true, what would that mean?”
Let’s be clear:
I’m not advocating for joining the circus or renigging on family responsibility.
And let’s acknowledge for many people, investing in family *is* living your fullest purpose.
What I’m pointing to is a closer examination of where we may have kept ourselves small by using “service to the family” as an excuse.
I love my family.
And while they may not always agree with my life choices,
I know authentic relationships are based on truth, not on fear of disappointment.
As I look to the next generation in my lineage, I get to choose what familial patterns I want to carry forward.
May these choices be wise and in service of expansion.
